February 17th, 2012: Day one of my Pursuit of Happiness

I had a hard time eating today. I had to force myself to eat and only managed to do so twice. Every time I eat I feel a little…off. I can’t really explain it. 
I’ve been watching United States of Tara. I think it makes me feel better to watch a show about a life worse than mine. It helps to remind myself that it could be worse, plus it makes me laugh sometimes.
It drives me nuts to hear my roommate and his girlfriend, being noisy past 10pm I might add. If you’re thinking I sound jealous, you’re spot on. I miss Joshua. It’s hard to be without him, especially right now. Because here, without him is…alone. And alone is the last place I want to be right now. I keep trying to force myself to think of all the good things but all I can think of are the reasons why I’m trying to force myself to think of the good things. I’m broke, I’m a mess, I’m alone, I’m putting my dream on hold (again), and I’m taking the love of my life away from everything he knows because I can’t fix myself.
He keeps telling me that it’s okay, that it’s his choice, and he’s doing this because he loves me. He tells me I’m not being selfish and that he wants this as much as I need it but, it doesn’t change the way it feels. I always thought if I moved back home I’d bring him with me, but I never thought I’d do it like this. I feel guilty, despite what people say. And yeah, maybe I shouldn’t blame myself because he did make this choice. But what’s going to happen if I never regain my desire to pursue my dreams…what’s going to happen if I’m never ready to move back? I know this isn’t going to be permanent, but what if my lack of motivation to study photography is? I’m scared he’ll stay for me, and eventually grow to resent me. I’m scared of so very many things.   
I’m scared that there may be something seriously wrong with me, I’m scared that I’ll never stick to one dream, I’m scared that I’ll never really want to make something of myself and I’m scared that that’s a bad thing.
Through the years the only dream that’s been a constant is to one day become a mother. What if that’s all I’m ever going to want out of life, and it makes me some boring housewife? Or what if I can’t have kids and don’t find inspiration in something ever again? Although, I suppose I’d have to get over my intimacy fears before either of those things really become a problem.

I have a lot to think about, and a lot to figure out, but my priority has to be getting my happiness back. I keep smiling for him, but every smile feels forced or just…wrong. I don’t know why yet, but I’m hoping to figure it out. I’m just thankful for Joshua and everything he’s doing for me right now. I couldn’t have handled this without him.